Forgiveness

Those of you following along since the beginning will know that my journey here in Vermont is multifaceted. One of which has been self-betterment. My shelf is lined with self-help books and biographies of my heroes. My Audible account is cued up with self-love and positivity. My Youtube recommended section is packed full of Ted-Ed talks. In more than one of these, in fact, nearly all, forgiveness is a point made. 

This week I want to talk about forgiving oneself. Forgiving others can be hella difficult, but compared to this it seems easy. When it comes to forgiving me I’m finding it to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s so difficult for me that I often go through some self-sabotaging behaviors before getting there. I go through a period of time of passing the buck onto others or my circumstances. I can lash out or try to logic my way out of the responsibility for my actions. 

All of these self-love and empowerment books have shed some light on my faults. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow. I’ve been careful to not let it turn into a hate-on-me party, but instead create an environment of real evaluation of where I am and try to correct it. And then, like I would for any loved one who comes to me with an apology, I tell myself how sorry I am and I forgive. 

Sounds easy when writing it down here, but it’s been difficult. It’s honestly been the hardest action in this whole self-love thing, so far. And that’s what forgiveness is, really, it’s another form of love. I’ve tried to incorporate it into my nightly “Thank You notes”. I have this theory that if I’m grateful for the lessons learned, the forgiveness will follow.